Stabbed

This is the only place where I can be honest, where i can not lie. I am pretending to be OK, trying to adapt to my new life, new world. Yes it is what I wanted for a long time. I wanted to be free, free from a toxic relationship, free from the world that I didn’t belong to for so long, for almost all my life. I can’t deny that I do whatever I want whenever I want and no one is stopping me like before. I also made some new friends whom I truly feel they are a gift from God at this timing. But on the other side, I can’t imagine that all this is really happening, I thought that it will take some time, maybe a year, maybe longer, but eventually I’ll be back, not that I still want that terrible living but maybe I just got used to it, got used to him. It is the only life that I know. It’s thirty years of my life. I know that I started hating this kind of life, this kind of not being appreciated, nor loved. Our arguments were terribly bad, offensive and I cant mention what happened lately but what I can mention is that I only lived there in his house, in a house where I never ever felt that I belong. I lived there for the sake of my children, I wanted a stable life for them among their two parents but I guess that living a healthy life is better even it was between two homes, in two different areas but at least without fights and screaming all the time for the silliest reasons just because we can not stand each other anymore. yes this was the case for several years until that day when I had to leave for good. I left his house in the middle of the night with a few things of mine and left everything else behind. It had to be done. Headed to my old apartment with my daughter and not going into a lot of details, but we stayed here for almost a year and a half. The apartment was not ready to move in, it was not clean, it was not tidy, it was like a storage for old furniture that belonged to my late grandmother, and to top all this, the kitchen was empty, not talking about food only, but there were no utensils nor pans, etc… the whole place needed a lot of work and the kids room was a complete mess. I worked on it bit by bit for months till it was just ok to live in it. I am still working on it and I still need to buy more stuff and change the bathroom but Im not in a hurry.

I wasn’t going to say all this but it all crossed my mind while typing. I wanted to express my true feelings, the ones that no one can feel. I seem to be happy but only few know the truth. I feel stabbed in the back, no it is right in my heart to be precise. I finally got a divorce, I have some mixed feelings, it was a simple procedure, happened in no time, however I didn’t get all my legal rights but I just let go. This happened on Valentine’s Day, what an irony! However, I was ok with the idea, cause when you come to think about it, we were separated for a very long time, so what’s new?

My ex one day simply told my daughter that he is getting married soon. She came back home from her driving test and I opened the door with a large smile on my face wanting to hug her and celebrate getting her license but instead, I saw her not in a good mood and was about to cry. She then told me what her father told her just a day before her final exams. What a timing! He is great in bad timings. She couldn’t study and locked up herself in her room and I tried to cheer her up telling her that it was expected sooner or later and that it is normal and he will remain your father but she couldn’t accept all this talk, so I left it at that point. Now, how did I feel? I didn’t explode, I don’t know what happened to me. I think I always take time to believe what’s going on. I tried to get along with the idea and I even called my ex and went to take some of my old stuff and made a good closure with him, telling him that we remain friends for the sake of our children cause this will remain a bond between us forever and I wished him good luck and left.

Three days later I met a friend at the club who held my hand and read my mind literally, she did a reiki session and tried to transfer my negative vibes. She is the one who really knew how I felt and she even told me that I have pain in my chest which I realized only when she said so. She advised me to express my true feelings and to stop acting being strong and that everything is ok. Ever since that day, I am not OK.