Sitting back here on this comfortable bamboo chair in my balcony sipping my tea with a cigarette in my hand and seeing some smoke not sure if its from the cig or tea or the smoke of fear. I just stood there as relaxed as possible but only physically but not mentally at all. This thought came into my mind “am I really getting old?” I’m not afraid of getting old cause years passing are just numbers I’m counting but deep inside I’m so alive, energetic, loving life and going out and learning and experimenting and reading, etc…. I love Life.
However I was just thinking that now I’m sitting here all alone enjoying the lovely weather but alone. Where are my children? Where is my husband? Where are my friends? Well, the answer is that I spent all my life just for them. Now my children are not kids anymore. Each of them has his life now. My son got into college and living with his Grand parents cause they are closer to his University. My daughter is always with her friends, not strange at all as she reminds me of myself when I was her age. As for my husband, he comes back home from work late enough to have dinner and just sleep or watch TV for an hour and then sleep. No social life. I can’t reach my friends cause Im too far away from them and they dont want to hang out here in tagamo3 and I can go to them but my timing doesnt suit them unfortunately. So I was fearing that this will be my days till the end, just sitting here alone forever.
Now that 2015 is right around the corner and this means that another year has gone, I have a very strange feeling unlike every year. I’m not happy but I’m not sad. It’s a weird feeling that I don’t quite understand. I feel I’m getting older and that I’m not accomplishing anything. I was very energetic and full of power and enthusiasm and thought that I have lots of things to do. But when I really look into it and think deeply, I realize that I’m wasting so much time on things that don’t deserve that much. I’m running towards things that I don’t belong to. Just two weeks ago I felt so young and eager to continue what I’m doing, but all of a sudden I’m feeling down. Maybe it’s because my husband quit his job today and maybe cause we will be moving and maybe cause I’m really aging, I do not know. But what I’m sure of, is that I don’t want to go back to Egypt now.
I read this on Facebook this morning and I couldn’t help myself from posting it here to Arabic readers cause I truly liked it and wanted to share the lovely words/feelings of my friend Lulwa Al Terkait. Well done lulu and waiting for your first book. By the way, Lulwa is also a jewelry designer so she is an artist by all means.
I guess it was only a dream, a very nice one but I have to wake up and face reality. I thought that things will work out as I wanted cause I felt a very nice feeling those few weeks. But all nice moments have to come to an end sometime and this is the time. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. The problem is that now it will take me some time to get used to be single again. Not that it was a bad experience cause I enjoyed it for some time, but because I was really happy to be in love again. I got used to be pampered, loved, going out, asking about me every couple of hours. Now ill be lonely again even if I’m surrounded with my kids, family and friends. Having a lover is something else. Why does my Ex have to be so stubborn? We could have made it, but he wants everything to be done his way with no compromise even if this will affect our relationship. I did my best really, I called my mum and I even called my uncle who wanted to support us on one small condition that my Ex has to be sincere enough and prove it. But of course his stubbornness made him say that he doesn’t care about what my uncle says and that he doesn’t like conditions. So, we have to let it go….
It’s so strange how we get attached to something or someone for a very long time and then all of a sudden, it disappears. Yes, just fades away like when you stir the sugar in a hot cup of tea. This is life, it’s so weird and unpredictable, not fair sometimes and so annoying a lot of times. You are in love at one moment and then discover that it was only an illusion. You care for people who turn out to be not even worth it. You can be devoted to them to an unlimited kind of devotion, wanting to sacrifice for them, but why, for what? At that time, you don’t use your common sense or mind, it’s just the heart. Our heart is our Trouble. You won’t get to know the truth about a person unless there is some kind of trouble or a situation when you need him/her to be beside you, even just to cheer you up.
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
This is what they used to tell us in the past. It’s true in all what it stands for.
The past, oh, I can’t say this word “Past” cause everything that ocurred in my past is still present to me, I feel it, I live it and I remember all that happened to me. I remember all my experiences, the good and the bad, the laughs and the cries, the happiness and the sorrow. They are still living with me, maybe as memories, but they are there, they haven’t gone anywhere else. They are part of me and I am still alive and so will they until I go away. Only then, they’ll go as well, although they won’t be far from me either, they will still be with me, but only God knows if I will feel them like I do now.
I am a person who gets attached so easily. I can get attached to someone or even a place. Can’t control it, but it is really making me suffer, cause nothing is permanent in this world. Everything changes around me and I stand alone with my attachments, so so many I have indeed. Hard feelings sometimes and nice memories at other times and life goes on and on, till death do us (attachments) apart.